This is going to be a short post, just to let you all know what’s going on at the moment and why I’ve stopped being so active online (apart from Twitter – ah, the joys of iPhone apps). So this is a difficult post to write. Lots of bad things have been happening recently that have had a negative impact on my mental health, but it’s hard to know what is appropriate to talk about on a public blog, as I’ve never had to write about things like this before.
So basically, my grandad is on a life-support machine in intensive care at the moment. They’re taking it hour-by-hour, and there’s a real possibility that he won’t pull through. This, as you can imagine, is really awful for my family and I, as we’re all very close to my grandparents. It’s also a big shock, as he’s never been hospitalized in his life before all this started. On top of that, there’s a bit of a family… drama going on at the moment that is causing an equal amount of upset as the illness is. I wish I could explain things a bit better so you could understand why this is so upsetting, but I really can’t.
My mum and I have been crying together this morning about everything. This is horrible. It’s times like this that all the heartache doesn’t seem worth anything.
I know I’m not the only person in the world who has to deal with serious illness and family upset, and I’m not acting as if this is some huge emotional trauma that I have to deal with all by myself or whatever… but it’s still hard. None of my relatives have died during my lifetime before, so I don’t know how things will go down. I feel really hopeless and angry and scared at the moment, I constantly feel sick and anxious, and I’m so unproductive. So I don’t know how things will be for the next few weeks. I’ll try to keep myself busy doing nice things like writing for my zine, gardening, and reading.
I’ve finished university for the summer now, which is nice, but I have lots of reading to do over the summer to prepare for my dissertation. I’m really scared and anxious about my dissertation, but I’ve written about that before. Uni was really hard for the last month, for social reasons (which I don’t want to go into in detail here) – I’m really glad I’m home now because I’ve been spending lots of time with Hank enjoying the nice weather. Things still aren’t great with me mentally – a GP in Cripps diagnosed me with depression and prescribed me antidepressants, which I didn’t buy because I didn’t have the money. I’m currently in the process of convincing my GP at home that I’m more than just “a bit down”, as he described me in my last visit. He seemed to think that I would improve in a matter of days after being away from the stress of my life in Nottingham, but I’ve been just as down now that I’m home as I was in Nottingham. I just feel so hopeless and useless all the time, and my self-esteem is at zero. Well, there’s more to it than that… but I don’t want to have a long self-indulgent rant about my state of mind, because that would be silly. I’m going to see the GP again tomorrow morning, and we’re going to discuss my options.
In other news, my website is coming along nicely thanks to the lovely Saara Fae (the site will be online in a few weeks hopefully), and Hank and I are in the process of recording guide tracks of my songs to send to the session musicians so they can start having a think about what to play, etc. Only 3 weeks to go before we record the album – I’m very nervous about not being able to live up to everyone’s expectations, and I’m worried that I’ll get upset when people criticise my music (even in a non-malicious way), but I’m also quite excited. I just hope my mental health improves enough in the next few weeks for me to be able to deal with the recording process.
- I went to the London Zine Symposium; I didn’t enjoy it (I was having a bad anxiety day, but even if I was having a good day I don’t think it would’ve been great). I intended to write a blog post about it all, but that got left at the wayside as the family problems emerged. I’ll try to write about it eventually.
- Here. In My Head. #4 is now being stocked in Katie Dee’s lovely new distro The Teacup Symposium! She’s just starting up, so show your support and buy some of her stock!