I’ve donated a number of my zines and EPs to this worthy cause:
“Weeks have passed yet the sheer scale of devastation wrought by the recent earthquake and tsunami on the east coast of Japan is still impossible to fully comprehend. Watching the scenes unfold on TV screens those of us with friends and family in the region were left with a horrible feeling of disconnection and a sense of uselessness.
To counter this however we can, we introduce EGAKU: a one day event to raise money for the Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund. Onsale will be zines, prints, ceramics, original drawings, books and much more, from some of the most renowned illustrators and designers of today – Rob Ryan, Nobrow, Okido, Anorak Magazine, Jean Jullien, Laura Carlin, Frinton Press, Peepshow, Hato Press, Lazy Oaf, Winged Chariot and many many more.
EGAKU means “draw” and “imagine ” in Japanese. We hope that we can support Japanese people EGAKU ( imagine) a peaceful future by EGAKU (drawing). 100% of all money made will be donated to the relief effort, for more information and a full list of contributors please visit our website: www.egaku.org.uk“
The free single has arriveddddddddddd! This is waaaay overdue, but as mentioned before, Hank is so ridiculously busy that he’s barely had time to do anything else.
You can download Gimme a Cure FOR FREE at http://catherineelms.bandcamp.com/ – go do it now, and spread the word! I’ve set up a “name your price” option, so you can donate as much or as little as you want to help me fund the recording of the rest of the album. I own the copyright to the song, so if you guys want to make copies of the song or broadcast the song publicly (e.g. online) please get in touch first – I won’t say no, but I just need to know! Don’t break the law, chaps – if in doubt, just gimme an email or a message on Twitter. More on copyright here.
Gimme a Cure is the newest song of the whole album, written in its entirety last summer. Here I grapple with issues of the male gaze, wanting to be wanted without knowing why, and feelings of insecurity. This is the song I never thought anyone would like. It makes me sad when I hear it, because these used to be very powerful emotions for me, and sometimes still are, although recently I’m much more emotionally grounded than I’ve ever been.
(It’s a grower… give it a few listens before judging it!)
Next week the second song of the free single will be up for download: I Miss You!
In other news, I’ve donated a pile of my zines and EPs to Hadass Ben-Ari, editor of Israel-based feminist zine Fallopian Falafel, for the grrrlVIRUS sale “Crafts for a Cause“. All proceeds will be donated to the Jerusalem Rape Crisis Center. If you’re interested in donating, get in touch with Hadass at fallopian_falafelATgmailDOTcom!
Helloooo! Things are good at the moment. I’ve just had my results back for last semester, and I’m delighted with how well I’ve done, considering I was a complete mess for the first 2 weeks of January with stress! I’ve just started my new modules, all of which are going well so far, and I’m writing my dissertation. Very scary, but I’m feeling better about my abilities than ever before. I’m trying to keep on top of everything, and get things done early so I don’t get too stressed out at a later date, which might mean less time for crafty things and blog updates… it’s regrettable, but it’ll be worth it in the end.
I’m now considering doing a Gender Studies MA instead of a PGCE, as lots of people have told me that teaching is a pretty tough route to go down unless you’re 100% committed and passionate about it… for the first time ever, I’m feeling relatively confident in my academic capabilities (not first-class confident, but 68% confident, which is also good), so maybe I could become an academic…?
Anyway, enough rambling. I’ve got lots of crafty bits and pieces coming along nicely, most of which will hopefully come to light in the next month or so! Keep your eyes peeled.
The new issue of Artemis is now available to view online at http://issuu.com/artemiszine, or pick up at upcoming Women’s Network events. We’re trying to get a stand in the Portland building where we can let people pick up free copies, but there’s a lot of red tape to battle through. Pffft.
Crafty endeavours this month include:
1. Here. In My Head. #7 / Your Pretty Face is Going Straight to Hell! #14
Yes, my next zine will be a split with Tukru! SO excited about this; it’ll be out before the end of February!
2. Twt #3: Things I Dislike
Another free mini-zine. Always fun to make (plus there’s something quite cathartic about voicing your frustrations/dislikes in a funny silly way, don’t you think?).
3. Writing new songs
I’ve got a bad habit of leaving songs unfinished before moving on to writing the next one. This has happened again over the past few months, so one afternoon I went through my songbook, and planned out all the unfinished songs and fragments I had. Turns out I have sixteen songs on half – and four finished – that are shaping up to be really great songs. So technically, I could have finished writing my second album by the summer, which is so exciting. I’ve had writers’ block for such a long time – I think I only wrote three proper songs in my first and second years of university. When I hit my third year, I finally got my act together and started finishing songs, working on lyric and music drafts that had been floating around for years, and writing entirely new pieces. It feels really good, to get back into it all. Of course, I won’t be able to record my second album for at least another year, which sucks, but there ya go.
4. Secret project with Hannah (Not Lonely zine)
All will be revealed soon.
5. 101 Things in 1001 Days
Watched lots of awesome films in January (including Black Swan – soooo good!), and completed one or two other challenges too.
In other news, I’ve cut my hair a lot shorter and dyed the light bits red. I don’t know if I like it.
I’m tempted to bleach the lot and go back to blue/turquoise. I miss having hair this colour:
But that won’t be a wise decision if I’m planning to attend job interviews this year! I hate being an adult.
Ah, the end of term. I am currently in my lovely warm student house, curled up in the front room with a cuppa and a blanket, with my suitcase packed and ready to go home tomorrow. <3 Anyway, as happy as I am to be going home, I have had a really good time this term. Highlights of the term include:
044. Play a gig – COMPLETED!
I did it! Who’dve thought it, eh? To be honest, I wasn’t happy with my performance – I was really nervous, and my hands and legs were shaking so much that my hands kept slipping and I kept making silly mistakes. That’s such an embarrassing thing to admit to, heh. Still, I went up there and played. I have some really messy difficult feelings about that evening in my head – one the one hand, I’m really disappointed in myself for being so badly-rehearsed; on the other hand, I’m really proud that I managed to go through with it, and go through it alone. I went to the gig by myself in a taxi with my big unwieldy stage piano and stand (my flatmate/good friend didn’t want to go for… political reasons, I guess you could call them), I set up and packed down by myself with the sound guy, I mingled and made conversation with strangers by myself, I performed by myself (for only the third time in my life), and I made my way home by myself. That all sounds very basic and obvious, but I can’t tell you how much of a step forward this is for me. I’d usually go with Hank or a similarly chatty and knowledgeable friend, who’d more or less do everything for me – setting up, introducing me to people, etc… but I did it all by myself for the first time in my life. Damn, that was a tough night. And even though I didn’t perform as well as I could have, it was a useful experience in highlighting what it is I need to improve on. I should also add that all the Women’s Network committee members were really nice and complimented me on my performance, which was very helpful and put me at ease – although part of me felt that they were only saying those things to make me feel better, I kinda know that’s probably not true.
Clementine Cannibal wrote a really apt blog post a few days ago about performing live, and how us women need to just get out there and fucking do it. This blog post encouraged me to try to stay positive about this whole experience – yeah, maybe I was a bit mediocre, but at least I tried.
“i know i can’t just hide away until i’m super good and then play in front of people. i need to play in front of people right now. i need to get used to it, so my nervousness doesn’t overtake me and i can concentrate on what i’m doing. it’s really really scary. it’s scary to try. it’s scary to suck. but it’s necessary and important to growth. music isn’t just for people who have had extensive training in it. music is for everyone. the only way to get good at playing is to play. the only way to get good at playing in front of people is to play in front of people.”
Getting to the end of it without any sort of mental breakdown!
Damn. I know this is a completely mundane and everyday thing to celebrate, but I have to stop and acknowledge that this is excellent progress for me. Last winter I was a complete mess – I quit making zines because my self-esteem was at rock bottom, I just about managed to get through the academic work but barely put any effort into it, I almost didn’t go back to university when I was home for Christmas because I never thought I’d make it through the rest of the year. And here I am, a year on – getting solid grades and mostly coping with everything. Yay!
Studying a feminist philosophy module.
I wrote my essay on the norms of feminine appearance, which I’m going to use bits from for a new piece in my next zine! My lecturer said she really enjoyed reading it, but I didn’t get the first I was hoping for, so meh. Still, it was a fun module with some very interesting weekly reading material.
Seeing Melissa Auf der Maur live. (see this entry for more details on the evening!)
My dissertation.
I’m writing about Christian feminism – specifically, whether it’s possible to be a Christian feminist without compromising one or the other to make them fit together. And I’m rather enjoying it. I have a good (professional) relationship with my supervisor, which helps. I told her about my depression, so she’s been really supportive and helpful this term when I’ve seen her. I think the biggest reason that this is a highlight is because throughout the past 2 years of university, I was terrified of doing a dissertation (as mentioned in my previous blog post). Now that I’m in the midst of it all and keeping on top of everything, it feels good.
What my Friday nights look like.
Writing an essay on Pullman’s His Dark Materials.
I haven’t had the grade back yet, but I’m hoping I did quite well, because I really enjoyed writing this, even though it was 6,000 words long! I also read the entire trilogy (all 1000+ pages of it) over the course of 4 days, which is incredible progress for someone who usually takes weeks and weeks to read a book!
Snow! I only fell over once!
The view from the Portland Building.
So far, this academic year has been my best year yet. Not that it’s been perfect, of course – I’ve still had to deal with a lot of shit from people… but I won’t go into that now. It feels as if I’m gradually becoming more stable and independent, and more able to cope with the world. My time is now.
Apologies for the slow posting recently – I have been super-busy with uni work. Yesterday I handed in a 6,000 word essay on Philip Pullman’s His Dark Materials – eeep! That’s the longest essay I’ve ever written by far! On the plus side, I got that shit DONE, and it makes me feel a tiny bit better about my academic capabilities. I remember being in my first and second year of uni and feeling this crippling fear of being a third-year and having such an enormous workload – I never thought I’d be able to cope. As it turns out, my workload is mostly manageable, and I’m making an effort this year to keep on top of everything. Funny that – I remember being in year 3 and seeing year 6 colouring in a detailed map of the UK, carefully making sure to colour the green and blue inside the lines – and I thought that looked impossibly difficult! Now look at me, haha! I guess it just goes to show that a lot of my anxiety is just fear of the unknown and severely underestimating my abilities.
I’ve given myself the rest of the day off, but it’s a short-lived pleasure, as I have another 6,000 word essay to write over Christmas, and an exam to revise for. The work never ends!
So other than working, I haven’t been up to much at all, hence the lack of posting. I’ve rather enjoyed the snow, although it did scupper my plans to visit Hank this weekend.
The view from my front door
T'is the season for ridiculous hats.
Alice and I have been putting up posters for lots of exciting Women’s Network events coming up, which is incredibly tiring on such a big campus covered in so much snow! There are 2 exciting events coming up – first, the Women’s Network Music Fundraiser! RSVP here. I was dithering about whether I should perform, as I only got the call 2 days ago, but I reluctantly declined due to a few deadlines and meetings to prepare for next week. I’m contemplating playing after all, even though I haven’t had enough time to prepare myself! I should just throw myself into it and fucking do it, shouldn’t I? Hm. *anxious*
Design by me
Secondly, the Women’s Network Christmas Social, which Alice and I came up with as a way of getting shy women in uni to meet up with us and get to know each other. Sometimes it can feel like you’re the only isolated one in uni, but I know there are plenty of us. So we should get together and eat mince pies! More details and RSVP here. I want to buy a Santa hat to wear to this.
Design by me
Zine Update: Hannah wrote a lovely review of my zine on her blog, which you can read here! Tonight I’ll be spending a little time working on Here. In My Head. #7 with the aim to publish it in late January.
Music Update: I’m working on new songs and re-learning Mozart’s Sonata in C major (my left-hand fingers hate me). I’m going to try and make a YouTube video real soon to share with you all, as soon as my parents dig out their video camera (the camera on my iPhone is shit, so I’m not even gonna try that).
101 Things Update:016. Leave an inspirational note in a book for someone else to find – completed! I went crazy and put a couple in some feminist books in the Notts Uni library. Guerilla feminism!
They were mostly empowering quotes and fun drawings I found on my internet travels. Nothing too ground-breaking, but hopefully it’ll make someone smile.
ETA: after much encouragement from my lovely Twitter followers, I’ve asked if I can still perform at the Women’s Network Music Fundraiser. Eeeep!
I used to enjoy watching it. Yeah, go ahead and judge me. The sad fact of the matter is that I have nothing better to do on a Saturday night. Suffice it to say that if I was actually going out on a Saturday, I would not bother recording it on BT Vision, but as I don’t tend to go out, I stayed in watching it while bitching about the contestants on Twitter. I also get sick of reading theology all week, so I need a bit of light relief come the weekend.
But recently it’s been leaving a bitter taste in my mouth… so I’ve decided to weigh in on the Wagner debate.
I should clarify: I never phone in and vote for things like this, no matter how passionate I feel about it. But if I were to vote for someone, it would be Wagner. He’s ridiculous. He’s fun. He seems to be taking the whole thing in his stride, despite getting booed by the studio audience every time he gets through. And there’s a picture of him holding a lion by the tail.
On the last show, Cheryl got her claws out and said to Wagner after his performance:
“I don’t usually have anything constructive to say to you, Wagner, but I believe you have made some comments about me. I am very proud of my roots and I am very, very, lucky. But if I was to give you any constructive advice it would be don’t focus on everybody else or how lucky I am, but how lucky you are to be on that stage tonight.”
Ouch.
I thought Wagner’s response was the best thing he could’ve said; he grabbed the mic from Dermot and explained that he thought Cheryl was a role model for having made it big despite her difficult upbringing, etc.
But this nasty outburst by Cheryl really made me think about just how hated Wagner is, and how unfair the whole thing is.
So check out his audition video. They all put him through, and they all thought he had a good voice (as did I when I first saw it)!
And now they have the audacity to give him ridiculous, fast-paced songs to learn every week, and then mock him for being rubbish?! You wouldn’t catch anyone giving Matt Cardle “She Bangs, She Bangs” to sing on their first live show, would you?
The judges put him through, and the public are voting to keep him in. It’s not his fault! He has no say over what songs he gets to sing, so he’s being taken for a ride and turned into the “joke” contestant, just like Jedward were last year, except Wagner does actually have some talent. They’re just completely manipulating and exploiting him. He’s been set up as a bit of a joke contestant/hate figure, and I think it’s mainly due to the fact that he’s now attracting plenty of media attention, and regularly causes a bit of a stir on Twitter and Facebook on Saturday night.
(Yeah yeah, I know that’s the nature of the show and the showbiz industry, but you don’t see any of the other contestants being set up as hate figures to quite the same extent… well, not by the judges anyway.)
It’s Wagner’s dream to win the show and become a pop star too, just as much as it’s Cher’s dream, or Rebecca’s dream. They KNEW what his abilities were when they put him through! He has every right to be there as everyone else. What are they expecting him to do, quit for the sake of maintaining the show’s integrity?! And be labelled by the press as a “drama queen” for “storming out” of the shows, no doubt.
And yet he’s still in, after some great singers like Treyc and Aidan were kicked off. I suspect that people are voting for him to annoy the judges and/or because they hate what the show stands for (kinda like the Rage against the Machine campaign last year). Also a lot of people think Wagner is a nice guy, so they’re probably voting for him to piss the judges off, who seem to relish mocking him. That’s certainly why I’d vote, if I were to vote.
But others are really up in arms about this whole thing, attacking Wagner and his supporters, by arguing that it’s unfair for voters to destroy “one of the few platforms for young talented musicians that there is on TV”. Um, really? The contestants are given cheesy pop songs to sing and are systematically voted off by the public based mostly on personality rather than singing ability… are people really trying to argue that this has anything to do with artistic integrity or promoting “talented musicians”? I’m not convinced.
So anyway, it turns out that there’s a Facebook group called “Wagner To Win X Factor” that’s probably got a lot to do with his popularity. Some of the comments on the page are quite telling of their motives, hehe:
“If you hate Simon Cowell and want to piss him off vote Wagner! If you want to help run the X factor into the ground and cause mayhem vote Wagner!”
“I actually think Wagner would make for a really fun Xmas number 1, gotta be better than the alternative romantic slushy shite that one of the other contestants would bring out!”
You gotta get over there, even if it’s just to see the ridiculous fan photos people have made. Oh my goodness.
That’s it, isn’t it? Causing mayhem. Fucking shit up. If you’re going to have the gall to openly mock and tear apart a contestant who wants it just as badly as anyone else, then you’re gonna pay for it. And damn, wouldn’t it be a fantastic send-off if this is Cowell’s last X factor, to have Wagner win the competition? Can you imagine Sony ploughing thousands of pounds into promoting Wagner?! :D
So yeah. That’s my take on the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, I know that reality TV and the Cowell-machine is a load of old cobblers and I’m not toooo bothered by the whole thing… but I just feel bad for Wagner, is all. I want to give him a little cuddle.
And finally, because I love lists, here is a quick breakdown of my opinions of the other contestants, in reverse order of preference:
7. One Direction. The Justin Bieber brigade? No thanks. A lot of people have expressed outrage at the fact that they were entered as five seperate singers, who were then turned into a band by the judges at boot camp – unfortunately, they survived longer in the competition than the proper bands! I have to agree that that seems very unfair, especially since most of the groups that were ousted were far better than One Direction, but I can’t say I’m surprised. You can practically see the pound signs in Cowell’s eyes when these guys sing. ¬_¬
Fun fact: someone on Twitter pointed out that every time Dermot O’Dreary says “One Direction”, it sounds as if he’s saying “Wand Erection”! This makes me giggle, and detracts every so slightly from the fact that they are shit.
6. Katie Waissel. Alright, so I’ve got a bee in my bonnet about the fact that she is already in with the guys at Sony BMG, a company of Cowell’s…. Anorak.co.uk have a great article about it all here. Other than that, her voice is really bland, and I hate how Simon and Cheryl fawn over her so much. She’s so bloody mediocre.
5. Mary Byrne. Very likeable and down-to-earth, but I don’t like her singing style/song choices. That’s just personal preference though. Would be rather happy if she won.
4. Cher Lloyd. There’s an air of arrogance about her that makes me uncomfortable, but I do like the fact that she’s a little different. It’s quite scary to think that she’s doing this show, and is 4 years younger than me. Eep.
3. Rebecca Ferguson. Classy, talented, but a little boring for my liking. She seems like a really nice person, and I like the fact that she’s understated and a little shy.
2. Matt Cardle. I like his kind of laid-back charm. He has a lovely voice too.
1. WAGNER. He exposes the show for its true farcical nature, even if his songs are badly chosen. What’s with all the up-tempo medleys and ridiculous over-the-top staging, Louis? You tool.
ETA: the dream is over. Good night sweet prince. [28.11.10]
Last Friday I went to see Melissa Auf der Maur with my lovely Mr. Hank, and we had a fantastic time! We got to the venue and met up with fellow tweeter Serena (@misslolitalove) and two other lovely ladies, and the five of us had a chat at the front of the queue for an hour or so. It was great.
Serena was behind the camera!
Anyway, here is my review of both acts of the night. I’m not a gig reviewer, so I’m afraid I’m going to write this in a plain non-journalistic tone. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoy regardless!
With a short set to kick off the evening, I was pleasantly surprised by this band. Consisting of two sisters – vocalist/rhythm guitarist Colette and lead guitarist Hannah – and a backing bass player and drummer, 2:54 are an unsigned band that hail from London. With churning distorted guitars and hushed vocals, the band’s sound reminds me a little of Nirvana, L7, Mudhoney and the similar dirty grungey bands of the early 90s. If I’m perfectly honest, the music wasn’t quite to my taste – I’m not a huge fan of that kind of grunge, as I personally find it a little samey. 2:54 were no different in this aspect, with the same guitar sound and moody feel to all their songs. Having said that, I did really enjoy the performance. I’m a sucker for women who play the guitar, so it was a really fun experience for me to see two female guitarists rocking out and making powerful music on stage. Colette has a gorgeous voice that carried the songs (although they sounded a little too quiet in the mix), and once Hannah relaxed a little, she had a pretty good stage presence. Plus, you can’t deny that hearing such exciting music live is a really fun experience, even if it’s not something you’d listen to on your iPod.
The most disappointing aspect of their performance was how nervous both girls seemed to be, especially lead vocalist Colette! After storming the stage with their kick-ass first song (can’t remember which it was – Creeping possibly?), Colette announced “we’re 2:54″, before jumping straight into the rest of the set. After 30 minutes or so, they shuffled off stage in silence, leaving some people in the audience asking “…have they finished?” While they definitely relaxed throughout their time on stage, things still felt a little tense. I just wanted to go up to them and say “you girls kick ass! Relax, we’re having a good time!” It must’ve been one of the biggest gigs they’d done so far, and so they were understandably nervous. Hell, I would’ve been nervous too! Still, there was something about the whole performance that felt very understated and tentative… as if they were holding back somewhat. I don’t know why, because I think they’re really talented women, if only they’d be a bit more gutsy and confident.
She was just incredible. After the atmospheric intro of “This Would Be Paradise”, MAdM and her three backing players stormed on stage and kicked off the set with a great rendition of “Isis Speaks”. She had an amazing stage presence, moving around the stage and shaking her long red hair in time to the music. With two well-rehearsed guitarists, they managed to recreate the powerful sound of the album pretty well, which was just amazing. As well as performing a number of popular tracks from her latest album, including the title track “Out of Our Minds”, “22 Below”, and “Lead Horse”, she also performed plenty from her debut album. I particularly enjoyed “Head Unbound” and “Taste You”, two songs which I sometimes find a little bland, but when performed live sounded incredible. Serena took a really great video of “Followed the Waves”, which she has kindly allowed me to share with you here (the sound quality doesn’t do justice to the performance, but you get a rough idea):
I think my personal favourite was her rendition of “I Need I Want I Will”, where the instrumental sections featured strobe lighting, smoke machines, and a lot of head-banging on stage! It was such a powerful and inspiring performance. She finished off her surprisingly short set with a solo performance of her first ever song, “Good News”. It felt pretty anti-climatic to end the evening with such an understated performance, but other than that I had a fantastic time.
After a little waiting at the end, Melissa came out to meet her fans, who made me feel a little uncomfortable due to their pushiness. I eventually met her, where she signed my ticket and got a photo with me. She was lovely. I would’ve liked to have stayed and chatted with her for a little longer, but Hank and I made a hasty exit before we got elbowed out of the way by any more aggressive fans. Pah.
5/5
Download: Out Of Our Minds, Meet Me On The Dark Side, Followed The Waves
(all photos taken by Hank on my crappy digital camera, apart from the first two images)
Performing in Escape, Swansea, in 2006. An oldie, but I like it.
If any of you follow me on Twitter (@catherineelms), you will have seen that I had a crappy weekend. Hank and I had one of those “come-on-let’s-be-realistic” conversations on Saturday. I cried a lot. Thank goodness he was over to give me lots of cuddles and supportive advice, or I would’ve been completely lost.
I was upset about a lot of things, most of which are too personal to write about on my blog. But the relevant thing to discuss is this: my music career is at a complete standstill at the moment, and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it.
As mentioned before, I’m doing everything very cheaply. Hank and his friends are recording/mixing/engineering the album, but they’re so busy with uni work at the moment that they just haven’t got the time to do ANYTHING for me. Hence why there is still no free single yet – Hank’s too busy to mix the songs, and I sure as hell don’t have a clue how to mix songs.
Hank’s friends are the session players of the album, but they’re too busy for studio time at the moment.
Hank edits my photos, but he’s too busy for any editing at the moment.
Hank takes photos of me with his SLR camera, but he’s too busy to even see me at the moment, let alone arrange a photography session.
Hank helps me with website design, but… well, you get the picture. (Thankfully my web developer Saara is still on board, so we’re hoping to finish the website as soon as Hank gets the time to do his side of things.)
So then I thought: well, I’ll start doing some gigs instead. That way I’m still developing myself musically and hopefully gaining a few supporters along the way.
But no. Hank’s friends are my backing band, and they’re too busy to gig. I could come to them in Leeds and make it a little easier for them, but it would be a nightmare to lug around that big heavy piano on the train, and on a bus to the city centre. I wouldn’t want to run the risk of getting it stolen. None of us have cars in uni, so we have to rely on public transport or walking. And even then, they’d still be too busy to gig, let alone meet up for rehearsals.
So then I thought: why don’t I perform solo gigs instead?
And then I realise just how terrifying that thought is. And this is where all my extreme self-doubt, pessimism, and fear floods in and prevents me from taking any action. I’m not a brave little girl any more. Every time I put a finger on a piano key, even in the privacy of an empty house, I am overcome with such a profound feeling of self-hatred that it’s all I can do to stop myself bursting into tears. I’m weak. I’m not in a place right now where I have the emotional stability to perform solo gigs. People will heckle, or ignore me, or accuse me of being ignorant, or mock me for being a poor player… and I just won’t be able to deal with that yet. At least if I was performing with a band of 3 friends behind me, they’d be able to back me up if I got into any difficulty, and they’d bring their own friends to the gig so at least I’d be performing to more than 5 people. When I’m on my own, I’m completely exposed and vulnerable. How many people who know me would make an effort to attend one of my gigs in Nottingham?
In Gorseinon College in 2007, where I first performed my solo compositions. What a brave woman I was.
It breaks my heart to say this, but the only thing I can do at the moment is to muddle my way through my degree, trying to get better emotionally, practice my piano, and write plenty of songs… so when my uni work finishes in early May, I’m ready to take it seriously and throw myself into it all. Even then, things won’t necessarily move as quickly as I’d like, as Hank will still be busy over summer, and I’ll be away from my backing band in Wales… so it’s not exactly a great plan. But it’s the only thing I’ve got at the moment. :(
p.s. Thanks everyone for voting on my poll before. It seems that most people want me to write about feminism and pop culture more than anything else. I’ll see what I can do.
I feel as if I’m in some sort of blogging limbo at the moment. This blog exists as a place for me to keep in touch with my friends/’fans’ and let the world know what I’m doing with my music and zines. But recently I’ve been struggling with this, because to be perfectly honest, I’m not doing anything interesting at the moment. I’m mostly focusing on my degree – I have two 6,000 word essays and a 1,500 word essay to write by the end of term, as well as keeping on top of weekly seminar reading, working on my dissertation, and eventually revising for an exam in January. Boo hiss.
And every now and again, I get frustrated by the fact that few people seem to care that much about me and what I’m up to, the fact that I have very few visitors to my blog and website, etc etc… but then I remember: why would people come here and read about me? I’m not DOING anything! I think it’s significant that my most popular post by far is Ten Favourite iPhone Apps – people don’t seem to be that fussed about how much I enjoyed ice skating with Hank or whatever. They want to read proper, bloggy content. And I’m not providing that right now.
(Prepare yourselves for a very honest post… but would you expect anything else from me? )
It’s so frustrating, having nothing to write about. As I’ve said before, my music projects are done on the cheap. Free recording time, free photography/photo editing (well, unless you count the cost of Hank’s SLR camera), free promotion. And everything is done by friends as favours, or by me. As a result, things don’t get done as efficiently or as effectively as I’d like. I wanted the free single to be out two weeks ago, but as Hank and a fellow sound engineer are mixing it themselves, they’re only doing it when they get a bit of free time. I’m still struggling with a single design – if anyone wants to design it for me in exchange for a big pile of freebies and a bottle of wine, get in touch as that would help me a great deal! (I’ll be handing the CDs out at gigs, plus the two songs will be available to download for free on my MySpace page. I’ll also list them on my website, but obviously I’d have to charge postage costs, as CDs need to be wrapped delicately before being posted.)
I guess there will be people out there who think that it doesn’t seem as if I care about my music – if I want to be successful, I should get out there, right? But the fact of the matter is this: as idealistic as I am, I know that my degree comes first. So I won’t neglect it in favour of gigging, online promotion, etc. Being in my third year and writing a 12,000 word dissertation, I do have a fair amount of work to do. On top of that, I still have depression, which makes everything ten times harder. My brain and body just cannot function at certain times of the day, no matter how hard I try. I’m also hopefully going to start volunteering soon, as an attempt to increase my employability, so that’ll eat away at my time too (ugh, I’m having a major career/future crisis at the moment… but I think a lot of people are).
Basically, if I were to categorize myself as one thing, it would be a songwriter. Out of the many creative pursuits I try my hand at, songwriting has been a constant in my life – I’m fairly good at it, I love doing it, I do it a lot. It’s the way I like to express myself. But I try to do too much. Blog, write, sing, play, design, edit… and the fact of the matter is that while I can do most of them, I can’t do them all that well. I’m still very new to Photoshop, so designing anything takes far too long to do, and I’m still not as neat/efficient as Hank is, so I usually need him to help me out. I have too much of a short attention span to edit photos, as you have to be pretty meticulous to make them look good. I find online promotion rude and tedious, and I’m not very good at it – I hate to be “that person” clogging up people’s news feeds with crap. Other things in my life get in the way of my writing. I am too embarrassed of my playing and singing to do so when there is anyone else in the house, so I have to be content with playing the piano with my headphones in, where no one can hear me. This makes songwriting very difficult, as I can’t sing along! I’m spreading myself too thinly, so to speak.
It’s difficult, because I can’t just say: “fuck this self-promotion bullshit, I’m focusing on writing kick-ass songs, and the rest can sort itself out“. That’s not how it works. That was how I dealt with my songwriting for the first 18 years of my life, and it just meant that once I’d written a song it got filed away in my big green notebook, never seeing the light of day again. I had no means of documenting it, or sharing it with anyone other than my parents (when I was brave enough). I didn’t find that satisfying. Yeah, I could keep doing that – technically, I AM still doing that, because I’m writing new songs all the time, and until this album gets finished, anything else I write gets shoved into my songbook, waiting. But for me, art is a sharing, learning, relational experience. Some of you may think this sounds narcissistic or stupid, but for me, the whole point of creating art is to share it with others -well, certainly when it comes to performance art like songwriting. I want to share my art with others, I want to perform, document my music through album releases, and hopefully provide people with something a little different to your typical girl-with-a-piano fare. But I just don’t have the time, the energy, or the resources to do it properly. I could “hire” people to deal with specific aspects of my music projects while I get on with the important part of writing good songs (e.g. Saara is in charge of my website editing), but I can’t afford to pay people, so working for me is not going to seem that appealing. Plus a volunteering job will be very far down on people’s list of priorities, so my project will inevitably get left by the wayside (which tends to happen when Hank gets busy, as he is now).
And anyway, back to my original point – if I’m not doing anything with my music project, then what the hell am I supposed to write about on my blog? Am I being too hard on myself? Is there any advice anyone can give me on how to move things along quicker?
Sorry about the self-pity. I’m just feeling a little… stagnated, y’know? So I’d like to open up a question to you, dear reader: what would you readers like to see more of on my blog?
NB: this post isn’t a “poor me, buy my stuff” kind of rant. I just want you all to know why I might seem lazy. I’m really not, honest!
Feminist musician, zinester, and activist. I write a perzine called Here. In My Head., edit a feminist comp-zine called Pandora Press, and edit zine review blog Spill the Zines. I'm also the media offer of the Swansea Feminist Network, and occasional write for various feminist publications.
On this blog I document my life and goings on, often with a feminist slant. I love hearing from my readers, so please leave comments and share your stories!
I’ve set up a “name your price” option, so you can donate as much or as little as you want to help me fund the recording of the rest of the album. I own the copyright to the song, so if you guys want to make copies of the song or broadcast the song publicly (e.g. online) please get in touch first – I won’t say no, but I just need to know! Don’t break the law, chaps – if in doubt, just gimme an email or a message on 
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