Dear Doctor,

I never thought I’d write this letter but I’m left with no other choice. To get to the point: I don’t think we should see each other anymore. This was not an easy decision and it’s definitely one I’ve been struggling with for some time but you’re just not the Doctor I fell in love with, you’ve changed so much and I just can’t keep living in the hope that you’ll change back to the man you used to be and stop pissing me off.

I still remember the day we first met all those years ago back in 2005. You burst into my life and it was love at first sight, how could it have been anything else? You came out of nowhere and suddenly my life had adventure, fun, excitement and danger and our weekly dates were something I looked forward to and will always cherish.

After a few months you thawed and became a different man. You still had the charm and charisma you had from the start but now this was accompanied with a cheeky smile and less of a dark persona. Sure, you still had the scars and depth you’d been carrying for some time, but you now seemed to embrace life more and took each day with a fun-loving swagger. With a flick of your coat you’d take me on more weekly dates and the adventures took on a whole new aspect. Your ‘survivor’s guilt’ seemed to all but diminish, you were outgoing and joyful.

Years went by and I was happy. Things were fantastic! There were ups and downs, of course there were, it would be ridiculous to assume there wouldn’t be. But we weathered every storm and kept on going. You were still prone to moments of dark introspection, but you didn’t let yourself get too preoccupied with them.

But then you changed again. I hoped it would be ok and we’d just go about our adventures like we always had but things just weren’t right, something was a little bit off. Ideas would appear and rather than coming together neatly, there were loose ends everywhere. Things that could’ve been interesting and clever became either convoluted or totally forgotten about. Your character would swing wildly from one extreme to another, bouncing from one grandiose speech to another. The adventures stopped being ‘fun’. Rather than have a companion who was resourceful and could’ve easily gone on and had a life of fulfilment even if you hadn’t crossed paths with them, you’ve seemingly become obsessed with companions who were puzzles, rather than being equals and friends they were just mysteries to be solved.

But now… You’re *literally* not the man you used to be. When you said of your current companion “… the mystery, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a skirt that’s just a little too tight.” You made my skin crawl. You wouldn’t have said that in 2005. You wouldn’t have said that in 2006. I don’t think you would’ve even said that in 2010. It was a horrible and creepy thing to say. Even if you’d said “skirt that was just a little too short” that would’ve maybe just been a phrase that revealed a slightly prudish side to your character, you are quite an older gentleman after all. But no, you said “tight”. This said to me that you’ve been looking at your companion with more than friendly or loving eyes, you were looking at her and reduced her to a sex object. Something to be lusted after. Your puzzles and mysteries aren’t just for solving anymore, there’s now a hint of sexual side to it which is just vile. It almost suggests that there will be a level of sexual gratification when you do solve the puzzle.

So I’ve decided to move on. I won’t be with you on your adventures anymore. I wish you could appreciate just how hard and upsetting this is for me, I’ve adored you since we first met and cutting you out of my life won’t be easy. You might change again at some point in the future and we could feasibly bump into each other, but for now I think it’s best if we go our separate ways. I hope you can one day rediscover yourself and find someone you can travel with and have a mutual respect for, someone who doesn’t need solving.

Your friend in time,

D.

—

This is  guest post by my partner Daf Turner!  Daf is a VFX artist, writer, and sci-fi geek.  You can follow him on Twitter or tumblr.

by Allie Brosh

As you know, I’m an avid google reader fan (and of course was devastated to hear the news that it’s being closed down – if anyone has any recommendations for alternatives, hit me up!) and every lunchtime I digest many articles via my reader feed.  So, without any further ado, here are my favourite things I’ve been reading over the last month or so!   Bit of a mixed bag, so there should be something here to cater to most tastes

Hyperbole and a Half is back, with a poignant and insightful tale of the author’s struggle with depression.

Did you hear about broadcaster Stuart Hall, who sexually assaulted a number of young girls?  A leading barrister has labelled his actions ”low-level misdemeanors” and thinks we should reduce the age of consent to 13 to stop so many do-gooders from “fetishising victimhood”.   Heaven forbid a formerly respected man might have actually raped and assaulted children(!) The F Word analyses everything that’s wrong with this statement beautifully.

A Doctor Who fan does the impossible and maps the TARDIS interior! Amazing! 

The problem with Dove’s latest “real beauty” campaign.

Canadian zinester/author Maranda Elizabeth writes about jealousy, and recently finding themselves the target of other people’s jealousy.

Feminist theology blog ‘Women in Theology’ on the portrayal of mental illness and self-forgiveness in ‘Silver Linings Playbook’.

Loved this – ‘Bad Reputation’ on mermaid mythology and the Disney adaptation of ‘The Little Mermaid’.

Not clever but still funny – Buzzfeed on the 26 most annoying things about working in an office.  I can particularly relate to #6!

Zombie Industries sells female mannequin shooting target called “the ex”: read Feministing’s take on it here.

My twitter friend @nice_reminder linked me to this informative comic on Dr Andrew Wakefield’s fallacious MMR/autism claims, and why we should be suspicious of his motives.

Is this the worst case of mansplaining ever?!  Yuck!

This is perfect. A cartoon about rape culture.

Did you see Loki’s new hairdo in the Thor: The Dark World trailer? The Mary Sue documents tumblr’s reaction; I love Ginger Haze’s the best!

Awesome blog on why Ched Evans was not the victim of a miscarriage of justice, as his defenders are trying to claim (defenders who are also overwhelmingly victim-blaming, ugghhh).

I only recently discovered Gala Darling’s lovely blog, and this blog on alternative date night ideas is one of my favourites! An oldie, but a goodie.

Back in Steubenville, rape culture is still winning as football coach’s contract is renewed: http://bit.ly/15Hf3Dd

Soc Images on how we can engage men in the efforts to end sexual assault.

The Mary Sue are writing a detailed synopsis and review of every Doctor Who episode in this series, and their analysis of gender politics is usually spot on.  Check out the latest review, ‘The Crimson Horror’  (as an aside, my friend Tracey has started using the phrase ‘The Crimson Horror’ as a euphemism for a period, ha).

(Props to Gala Darling for this feature format.)

I’m playing at the Uplands Tavern open mic night tomorrow – it’s a bank holiday so you have no excuse not to come and say hello

Since the last gig I’ve started to get things moving again - I’ve joined a function band on keys and backing vocals with a few local musicians, and our first rehearsal last week went very well!  We’re learning a lot of cheesy 80s hair metal, it’s great I wanna rock! 

Over the next few months I’m hoping to get my website tidied up, get more promo shots done with local photographer Donna-lee, record some of my new songs, and make a music video!  It’s gonna be so good! 2013 will be the year of Getting Shit Done.

—

On the weekend my partner Daf and I went away to Cardiff to celebrate his 30th birthday.  We had such a wonderful time, and were very fortunate that we had lovely weather all weekend!

We tried Yo Sushi for the first time – delicious, but those plates really add up to make an expensive bill! – also Daf’s first taste of sushi ever!  I also took him to Wagamama for the first time, which was lovely, though as usual I overestimated how much food I could push into my face, and ended up eating so much that I needed to have a kip afterwards.

We had some drinks down the bay; Las Iguanas had 2-for-1 cocktails on, so we had to get 2 pitchers of long island iced tea – both mine and Daf’s favourite cocktail.

Then we tried some of their other wares, and promptly got smashed.

I am actually hammered in this photo.

The following day we spent a few hours at the Doctor Who Experience, which was awesome!  Here are some of my favourite photos from the exhibition; you can see the rest on my Facebook page.

When Daf took this photo, I said “I look good there, I think I’d make a good companion!”, to which he replied “you’d make a good time lord!” <3

We didn’t have time to do any shopping – we both wanted to check out Forbidden Planet particularly – so hopefully we’ll go back soon for another romantic weekend.

Exploring the abandoned bunkers at Pembrey Country Park..

GIG NEWS – I’m performing this Friday (April 19th) at The Masons Arms in Llanelli, 7.30pm onwards.  Details about the event, including location, can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/events/320683288034616/

I’m really nervous, but also quite excited.  It’s going to be fun.  I’m also performing at the Uplands Tavern Open Mic on Monday (April 22nd), 9pm onwards. Details here: https://www.facebook.com/TheUplandsTavern

Would be great to see some of you guys there!  I’m trying to get over my nerves and remember that this is what I want to do, and that my life will begin outside of my comfort zone… it’s still scary though.  The more people there to woop for me, the more relaxed I’ll feel

Anyway.  Here are some other things I’ve been getting up to recently!

Writing

Check out my last blog post if you haven’t already – on owning your ideas, and sharing your voice.  I didn’t think much of the blog at the time as it didn’t have a neat conclusion, but it was my most popular blog this year, and a lot of people really identified with what I wrote.  I do recommend you read the comments (for once!), as some of my friends had some interesting things to say on the topic.

I’ve also submitted something for my friend Kat’s Stephen King fanzine, and am starting up a new project subtitled ‘Feminist Perspectives on Harry Potter’ with my best friend Kirsty! More details about the HP zine to follow.

Reading

Finally read Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism by Natasha Walter this month, and really enjoyed it.  I do recommend it as a good basic overview of raunch culture and the social construction of gender roles.  I’ve currently got 2 books on the go - Woman Hating by Andrea Dworkin, and House of Leaves by Mark Z Danielewski, both of which are fast becoming favourites of mine!

I’m constantly buying cheap Kindle books at the moment – I used to be a bit ‘meh’ about kindles, but I’ve since been totally converted!  Recent Kindle reads include Coraline by Neil Gaiman, Carrie by Stephen King, and Life of Pi by Yann Martel.

I’ve also been reading lots of zines, and making my way through the pile of zines amassed at Sheffield Zine Fest!  Check my most recent zine reviews here.  I’m currently reading the latest issue of Doris (pictured above).

Watching

My partner has a Netflix US subscription, so I’m currently drowning in endless TV shows!  At the moment I’m rewatching all of Doctor Who from the 9th Doctor onwards (Eccleston is my favourite), and occasional episodes of Adventure Time.  Other TV shows on my ‘to-watch’ list include BSG, Arrested Development, The Office US, and Parks and Recreation.  I should probably watch Angel at some point too – despite being a die-hard Buffy fan, I’ve never actually watched any episodes of Angel! Shame on me.

Wearing

I often think I should take more photos of my outfits, but the only full-length mirror in my house is in an awkwardly small bright room so photos always turn out really badly.  Here are some of the few pictures I do have of my recent outfits:

Listening:

I’ve joined a Rock of Ages-style function band (currently in rehearsals), so have been listening to the movie OST this week.  I actually think Tom Cruise’s voice is alright; the same can’t be said for Russell Brand or Alec Baldwin though, ha.  I’ve also downloaded Tegan and Sara‘s back catalogue (instead of listening to them on Spotify all the time as I used to) – current 3 favourite albums are Heartthrob, Sainthood, and If It Was You.

This blog post has been languishing in my ‘drafts’ folder for 18 months or so now.  I couldn’t work out what I was trying to say.  I think it’s about time I published it though.

Over a year ago, I got an email from a distro with some critical feedback for one of my zines.  The basic gist of it was that, although I made some interesting arguments, I made no attempt to “own” my ideas; instead, I prefaced everything with “I’m not sure about this” and “I’m still working this out“, and similarly cautious statements.  This, he argued, took away any power that my words had.  I hadn’t really considered that before, though as soon as I read the critique I knew that he was completely right.  I thanked the distro owner for the feedback, but kind of forgot about it soon after.

Then, a few weeks later, I read a very critical review of the same zine, which also touched upon that critique, adding that it annoyed him how I kept referencing stuff instead of actually writing about it by making statements like “I could talk about…”, ”…I can’t write about [it] publicly…”, and “…maybe in a later issue…“.

(On reflection, I found the whole review overly-critical and nitpicky, and it upset me for the rest of the week – I’m too frightened to link to said review in case you all read it and think, “Ah yes, he’s so right, her zine is actually a load of rubbish! I’m never buying a copy again!“.  Ack, I know I’m just being overly-sensitive.  I guess I felt the review was tactless… and I’m the kind of person who knows that critical feedback is important, but when confronted with it experiences a knee-jerk negative emotional reaction. I’m working on that.)

Moan over… these comments got me thinking about how I so frequently doubt myself and make qualifying statements whenever I write/say anything that might be construed as vaguely debatable or controversial.  Yes, whenever I write, I stop short of making any bold claims, hold myself back, stay safe – especially when writing about feminism, which is sadly still seen as something debatable and controversial (there’s a lot of hostility even between feminists - but that’s an entirely separate can of worms).  I think it’s because I know so many feminists who are much more eloquent and well-informed on feminist theory than I am, and I’m so afraid of making a poor argument that will get torn apart.  I’m afraid that people will laugh at my primitive attempts at a systematic argument, and I’m afraid that they will lose respect for me if my writing or my verbal contributions in debates are poor.  At least if I preface everything I say with “I’m still working this out, I don’t really know what I believe“, then people may cut me some slack.  Otherwise, I find myself unable to speak out at all.

I hadn’t considered how refusing to own my ideas removes any impact my voice may have, makes it more moderate, gentle, and inoffensive.  How stereotypically ‘feminine’ of me!  And why should I conform to the idea of how a woman “should” speak – cautiously and always open to being swayed by others?  Why can’t I speak loudly and proudly, even if I don’t have everything worked out exactly to the last detail?  I want to be able to say: fuck it.  This is what I believe. This is what I want to do. I don’t care if you agree or not, and I don’t care if I’m wrong.

But I can’t.  Even writing that feels uncomfortable for me.

Then again… maybe I’m being too hard on myself here.  After all, I am unlearning an entire lifetime of enforced shyness and demureness (little girls shouldn’t be brash and arrogant, but dainty and sweet!  Any obnoxious behaviour was punished and I was swiftly put back in my place, whereas my shyness/cuteness was often rewarded by the adults around me, even in my late teens; I have memories of frequently being called “a little lady“).  Perhaps it’s ok to be cautious at first, as I take steps towards being stronger and more confident?

*sigh*  This blog post doesn’t have a neat conclusion, I’m afraid.  I’m just having a bit of a ramble really.

1. Sheffield Zine Fest!

Me at the zinefest, wearing a t-shirt designed by Tukru! (photo by Chella Quint)

Organiser Bettie with her homemade bunting – photo by Chella Quint

the venue – Daf, James and I are on the far left! (photo by Laura Bainbridge)

Last Saturday I tabled and held a workshop on zines and feminism at Sheffield Zine Fest.  The day was pretty manic – I drove to Sheffield that morning with my partner Daf and my friends Caitlin and James, and it ended up taking us far longer to get there than we expected (about 5 hours, with stops).  Next time, I’ll definitely travel up the night before and stay overnight!  So we ended up getting to the venue an hour late, which was a pain in the arse.  We also had to park in the city centre, which cost us a fortune, but we were so late that we didn’t have the time to look for cheaper parking.  Thankfully the organisers Bettie and Chella were totally understanding of my lateness, and I ended up having a lovely time at the event once I’d calmed down!

The venue was amazing – a building right in the city centre, with bright green carpets, modern architecture, and a giant slide from the top floor to the bottom floor (which I was too busy to try out – gutted!).  We were only there for 4 hours in the end, and the day went by so quickly!  First I attended a workshop on street harassment hosted by Hollaback Sheffield, which was lots of fun.  Then I put on my workshop, which went really well!  I was a bit nervous and felt that I’d rushed through it a little, but everyone gave some great feedback, and we all got together for the last 30 minutes to make some feminist minizines together.  I’d definitely like to hold this workshop again sometime!  After that, I whizzed around the stalls, forgot to ask for trades and ended up buying loads of zines instead, forgot to take many photos, and didn’t get a chance to chat with anyone for as long as I wanted to.  We then left at 5pm.  I didn’t even eat, I was that rushed (and anyone who knows me will know how unusual that is!).

I sold a fair few zines, so that was good.  I also gave out a shedload of my free minizines and flyers.  Daf and James manned the stall for me while Caitlin and I went around saying hello to all our zine friends – thanks guys  It was a really good day for me socially – I felt pretty comfortable and confident there, got to catch up with my favourite zinesters, and met some new people too  

2. Million Women Rise

Me and my friend Adele at MWR – photo by Natalie Wlock

I marched through central London on the national feminist demo Million Women Rise on 9th March.  It was lots of fun, very lively and inspiring.  I’ve uploaded all my photos to the SFN Facebook page – take a look at them here.

3. International Women’s Day

On Thursday 7th March, SFN held its International Women’s Day, co-hosted by Swansea Women’s Centre and the Swansea University Students’ Union.  I helped out a lot with the organising of the event, and volunteered to hold 2 workshops – one on zines and feminism, and the other on pro-choice activism, based on the training day I’d attended the previous week.  I also volunteered to play an acoustic set in the afternoon.  Very scary, but exciting!

The event itself was a wee bit disappointing – the SU hadn’t cleaned/tidied the venue for us, so we had to rush around for an hour or so cleaning everything beforehand.  Then the turnout was a bit disappointing, and we were all pretty frustrated about this as we’d worked so hard to publicise the event.  We ended up skipping my pro-choice workshop as there weren’t enough people to warrant running 2 workshops side-by-side.  I played some music around lunchtime, then after lunch I held the zines workshop, which went really well!  Afterwards, I joined Kat’s knitting workshop, which was very friendly and relaxed, with people of differing abilities there.

Although the event was disappointing, it was a good day for me in terms of doing things outside my comfort zone, being sociable and getting shit done, and  I felt really proud of myself for getting through it all.  I wrote a short review of the day, with photos, over at the SFN blog.

4. Goodbye Mariachi EP

EP cover

I recorded piano, vocals and bass on my friend Daniel Karl Morgan’s EP, ‘Goodbye Mariachi’!  You can read the liner notes and buy a copy at Dan’s website.

I also attended a pro-choice training day in Bristol, was filmed live on BBC3 discussing casual sexism (sort of), and released Pandora Press #5, all of which you can read about here.  Life is good, and there’s more fun stuff to come!

This Saturday I will be tabling and holding a workshop at Sheffield Zine Fest!  It’s from 12-5 at the Electric Works, S1 2BJ. There will be around 30 different stalls, and loads of free workshops, on topics including working with distros (Lizzy from Marching Stars distro), zine-making for beginners (Emma Jane Falconer, ‘Fanzine Ynfytyn’), and body positivity (Rebecca, ‘Opinionated Nobody’).  My workshop will be titled “Feminist Zines: Making Media, Doing Feminism”:

This workshop will take place in 2 halves – first, a brief talk on the history of feminist zines, why they are important tools for feminist activists, and how they are a way of “doing feminism”.  The second half will be an informal tutorial on how to make your own feminist minizine.  All materials, including pens, paper, cuttings, etc – will be provided.  Throughout the session, there will also be lots of different feminist zines being passed around for people to read!

On my stall, I’ll be selling issues of my perzine Here. In My Head., the SFN zine Pandora Press, and giving out lots of flyers and minizines for free.  Do come along and say hello!

—

So I’ve had a very busy few weeks, and have lots to blog about as soon as I find the time.  Things I’ve done recently:

1. Attended a pro-choice training day in Bristol, organised by Education for Choice.  It was great to get an update on the current attack on reproductive rights in the UK, including the rise of pregnancy crisis centres giving out false information about abortion, increased funding to anti-choice religious groups including SPUC and Life, and government attempts to chip away women’s reproductive rights.

2.  I was on the telly!  SFN were invited to be “key speakers” on the topic of sexual harassment on live current affairs show ‘Free Speech’, broadcast on BBC3 a month ago.  Here’s a screenshot; I do look moody as fuck though:

I was going to blog about this properly, but I never got round to it what with everything else that was going on.  Basically, we were invited by the show’s producer to be “key speakers”, and she asked us to prepare some statements on the topic of sexual harassment.  We were sat in the audience, and it was explained that the host Rick Edwards would come over to us, introduce us, and ask us what we thought.  We were very excited at the prospect of getting SFN some publicity, and airing some sensible views on victim blaming and everyday sexism!  What actually happened was this: when the topic was broached, one of the panellists said that women invite harassment when they dress like sluts, and there were a shitload of young Tories in the audience who applauded this.  Edwards came up to different audience members to get their views, most of whom agreed with the panellist (usually words to the effect of “these girls have it all hanging out“), and NEVER came over to us, despite being “key speakers”, having the most worthwhile thing to say on the topic out of everyone there, AND waving our arms in the air madly trying to get our chance to speak!  Nope, he decided to talk to male Tories instead of feminists about sexual assault, UGH.  The producer apologised to us afterwards for Edwards’ mistake; she claimed that he was told to speak to us but must’ve forgotten or whatever.  OH WELL.

3. Held a workshop and performed live at SFN’s International Women’s Day event!  Blog to follow.

4. Provisionally booked 3 solo piano gigs so far for 2013 – all dates TBC, more details to come soon.

5. Pandora Press #5: The Media Issue is out now!  Blog to follow.

front cover

6. Went to Million Women Rise last weekend!  Blog to follow.

Start Date: 21st February 2010

End Date: 18 November 2012

Tasks completed: 53/101
Tasks failed: 48/101

Love

050. Celebrate our anniversary every year – completed.

051. Watch less than 4 hours of TV together each day – completed.

052. Do 4 fun activities together that we haven’t done for ages – failed.

053. Refuse to allow my jealousy affect our relationship – completed.

So the relationship in question ended before the 1001 days did, which is something I never would have predicted when I started the challenge!  It ended before I got a chance to complete #052, but I completed the other tasks.  Looking back on #053, I realise I have a lot of disparate thoughts on jealousy that I want to focus on in its own blog post – this will be published soon.

Appearances

Self portrait, sans makeup (in case you were wondering about the weird angle of this photo, I wanted to show someone both my lip ring and ear stretcher!)

054. Wear makeup once a week – failed, 11.04.10.  When my mental health was at its worst, I didn’t put any effort into my appearance, especially when it came to wearing makeup – I went for weeks at a time without so much as a slick of eyeliner.  I wasn’t sure how to feel about this – on the one hand, I felt better about myself when I wore makeup, felt less self-conscious of my plainness, and more “normal”, which lifted my mood.  On the other hand, makeup is an effort, and an unnecessary one at that… as long as I’m clean and neat, I don’t really need makeup, and generally I’d rather have that extra 5 minutes in the morning to read, or sleep.  It’s also a bit problematic from a feminist perspective – we’re often fighting a losing battle insofar as if we don’t wear enough makeup we aren’t considered “pretty” or even “presentable”, yet if we wear too much makeup we’re called “sluts” or are said to be “trying too hard”.  Many would argue that it is a tool of the patriarchy used to oppress women and remind them that their primary duty is to look good in order to please men, and the fact that men don’t waste their precious time and money on something so unnecessary just goes to show how important it really is… [DISCLAIMER: despite this, I would never shame/judge women for wearing make-up because I think that is totally anti-feminist!] Well, after plenty of umm-ing and ahh-ing about why I would want to wear makeup, I decided to set myself the goal of wearing makeup at least once a week, every week, to see if it would make me feel a little better about myself.  I also figured there was something to be said for the creative process of applying makeup, experimenting with colours and styles, etc.  Anyway, I failed this challenge within the first 3 months.  I just couldn’t be arsed most mornings, to be honest.  I don’t feel bad about failing this one though.  (As an aside, since then I’ve gone through phases of wearing lots of makeup, and hardly bothering at all.  At the moment I’m wearing quite a lot of it, but my enthusiasm for it comes and goes).

055. Get my engagement ring re-plated – completed, 15.01.11.

056. Make sure my roots don’t get any longer than 2 inches – completed.  I didn’t prioritise taking care of myself when I started this challenge – taking care of my dyed hair and making sure it was well-maintained seemed like a realistic habit to keep on top of.

057. Don’t straighten my hair any more than once a week  - failed, 17.03.11.   This was a bit of a silly goal.  My hair looks much better when straightened, even if straightening does damage my hair over time.  I try not to do it too often, but I think once a week is a little too infrequently!

058. Keep my hair re-dyed and looking tidy – completed.  See #056.

Adventures with hair dye.

059. Buy some new pretty underwear – completed, 26.08.10.  It may seem like a silly goal to set myself, but I always feel good and sexy when I’m wearing pretty underwear.  When I started this challenge, I didn’t prioritise things like this because I was so skint, so it felt good to buy myself something nice.

060. Get rid of all old unflattering clothes and donate to charity shop – completed, 13.04.10.  I now do this regularly; I go through all my clothes every few months and donate things that no longer fit, or are worn out (even things like old – clean! – underwear, because although charity shops can’t resell anything tatty, they can make a little money by sending them off for recycling).

Food & Drink

061. Bake a cake – completed, 28.10.10.

062. Try to eat at least three portions of fruit and veg every day – failed, July 2010.  I try my best to be healthy, but I can never consistently stick to these healthy habits!

063. Drink at least a pint of water a day – completed.

064. Take lunches to class, not snacks – failed, 13.03.10.

065. Try lobster – completed, 17.12.11.  Bit disappointed by it, if I’m honest.

066. Cut down my tea drinking to three cups a day – failed, July 2010.  Ha. A noble challenge, but I have to admit that tea is one of my few vices!  I have managed to replace my breakfast tea with other, less caustic teas, like peppermint and camomile.

Politics

067. Vote whenever I can – completed.  I voted at the General Election in 2010, Election and Referendum in 2011, and the Local Election in 2012!  Success!

068. Continue going to Feministy events with the Women’s Network – completed, 2011.  Check out the Women’s Network tag to read my previous entries on the topic.

069. Read 10 books on feminism – completed, 2011.  This seemed like a fair challenge, though I actually completed it far quicker than expected!  I think I definitely could’ve stretched to 20.

070. Attend Million Women Rise – completed, 03.03.12.  Blogged.

071. Attend another Reclaim the Night – failed.  Bit disappointed that I didn’t get round to attending another RTN, though I am planning to attend this year.

Entertainment

Amanda Palmer at The Cathedral, Manchester, Oct 2012 (image by Eleanor Dee)

072. Go to at least one gig a year – failed, 2011.  Couldn’t afford to go to many gigs during my skint uni years, plus most of the musicians I like don’t tour the UK much.

073. See The Vagina Monologues again – completed, 21.02.10.  The Women’s Network put on a production of the show, and it was amazing!

074. See Amanda Palmer live again – completed, October 2012.  I saw Amanda Palmer on her ‘Who Killed Amanda Palmer?’ tour in 2008, and it was by far the best gig of my entire life; I knew I had to see her again soon!  I remember leaving that gig feeling so inspired and invigorated.  I eventually saw her again in October at The Cathedral in Manchester, and it was sooooo good.  I had every intention of blogging about it at the time, but never got round to it, what with my autumn being so damn busy.  In brief: I was incredibly disappointed by her latest album, but she was incredible live, as she always is.  I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with Amanda Palmer; I used to adore her music, and she was one of my few heroes.  But over the years I feel she’s become a bit lazy with her musical output (what the hell was ‘Do You Swear To Tell The Truth…’ about?), and she’s said and done various things that have irritated me – notably, the ableist Evelyn Evelyn furore, the KKK ‘joke’, how she keeps referring to her relentless self-promotion and narcissism as “doing art”, and her general inability to apologise for her problematic behaviour, to the point where I had to unfollow her on Twitter.  Plus, I’ve only really liked a handful of songs since WKAP.  Big shame.

075. Go ice skating again – completed, 27.09.10.  I adore ice skating, I need to do it more often (not that I’m much good at it, not having had much practice)!

076. Fly a kite – failed.  I’ve never actually done this, I figured it would be a fun thing to do sometime.  Oh well.

077. Read 10 classic books I haven’t read yet – completed, March 2011.

078. Watch 20 films from IMDBs’ top 250 films that I haven’t seen yet – completed, 26.05.11.  Blogged.

079. Go to an opera or ballet – completed, 27.10.10.  Blogged.

080. Go to one stand-up comedy show a year – failed, 2010.  Didn’t make an effort with this, and so didn’t see any comedians in the first year.  I did see some comedians live after that though – Josie Long, Dylan Moran, and some female comedians at Ladyfest Nottingham.

Health/Self-improvement

081. Identify 100 things that make me happy – completed, 05.06.11.  See pic above.

082. Make a list of 50 things I like about myself – completed, 26.05.11.  Too personal to share – suffice it to say that the exercise did make me feel good.

083. Brush teeth twice a day - failed, August 2010.  I can do once a day, but sometimes I forget to do it twice!

084. Wash face every day – failed, July 2010.

085. Take a self-defence class – failed.  I did attend the first Women’s Network self-defence class, but kept missing the subsequent classes.  I am disappointed with this; I’ve always wanted to learn some self-defence but have been too nervous to go to a class alone.  Will have to keep this one in mind for 2013!

086. Try yoga – failed.  I do feel bad about this, as I’ve been dying to try yoga for years and years.  It’s one of my resolutions for 2013, so here’s hoping that I’ll take a class soon!

087. Try to find a church to attend – failed.  I wanted to join a church when I started this challenge.  I was struggling with finding faith, working out what I believed.  It sort of became less and less of a priority as time went on though… I’m still not sure what I believe… hm.

088. Run a mile without stopping to walk – failed.  I tried Couch to 5k for about 3 weeks, but had to stop because I caught a cold and then the weather got really bad (excuses excuses)!  Again, Couch to 5k is one of my resolutions, so I’ll definitely give this another go later on this year, when the weather improves and I have no excuses!

089. Eat less bad fats – failed.  I wanted to set myself a health goal related to diet, but this was waaay too vague to be achievable.  I have a fairly healthy diet anyway, so I couldn’t really accurately track if I was eating less bad fats or not… I know my diet is pretty much the same now as it was back then, so I’d say I probably failed this challenge.  No big deal though.

090. Read a book on self-esteem – failed.  As my mental health improved, I didn’t see this as much of a priority, plus I’d had counselling and therapy classes which focused extensively on rebuilding self-esteem, so reading a book about it didn’t seem so important.

091. Read a book on perfectionism - completed, 31.12.10.  I read ‘Status Anxiety’ by Alain de Botton, which dealt with a lot of my worries surrounding success and failure, all-or-nothing thinking, and my place in the social hierarchy – I highly recommend it!  I hear a lot of snark about Alain de Botton online from my academic friends, but I’ve always really enjoyed his work?  I think it’s clear, well-written, and thoughtful, but maybe I’m not intelligent enough for “proper” philosophy, ha.

Technology

092. Watch less than three hours of TV every day - failed, 16.10.10.  I very rarely watch 3 hours of TV in one day, but it does occasionally happen, especially when I’m feeling ill and just want to veg out in the living room.  I think it’s ok to do so every once in a while.

093. Delete all out-of-date internet accounts – completed.

094. Go without the internet for a week  - completed, 07.09.11.  Blogged.

095. Go without Facebook for 2 weeks – completed, 14.09.11.  Blogged.

096.  ‘Unplug’ for one whole weekend – no phone, no internet, no TV, no computer - completed, 04.07.10.  When I went away with my ex-partner to record some music in Leeds, we stayed at his new student flat, which had none of the aforementioned things set up yet.  We spent the whole weekend watching films, going for walks, reading, writing, and having long, thoughtful conversations.  It was great.  I should do this more often.

097. Go a day a month without laptop or TV – failed, March 2010.  I really should try to do this more often, but so much of my work is based on my laptop!

098. Update my blog at least once a fortnight – failed, 05.05.10.  I’m getting better at this though.

099. List all my CDs and zines on my website – completed, 30.10.10.  Check it out here (needs updating though, wah).

Miscellaneous

100. Write in my journal at least once a fortnight – failed, 06.05.10.  Couldn’t manage this when life was super busy (especially exam time).  I still write in my journal though, and have finally managed to get back into a routine where I write at least once a week!

101. Buy a pair of new glasses – completed.

Bit of a moody posey pic from last year, ha. I think I was aiming for “sultry”.

For the last 2.75 years, I have been taking part in something called the Day Zero Project, where I set myself 101 challenges to complete in 1001 days. This project came to a close in November 2012, and I completed 53 of the 101 challenges – could’ve been better, but then again I think that my values have changed since I first wrote that list, and some of the challenges were hopelessly overreaching (particularly the “travel” section)!  Here is an assessment of the first half of the list.

Start Date: 21st February 2010
End Date: 18 November 2012

Tasks completed: 53/101
Tasks failed: 48/101

001. Create the list and post it online – completed.

002. Mention every finished goal in my blog  - completed.  The bigger challenges were given their own blog posts (e.g. 365 Ways To Change the World), whereas most were mentioned in passing in various blog posts.

University

003. Get a first in one essay – completed, 08.03.11.  When I started the Day Zero Project, I had only ever had 2:1s in my essays – thankfully by the time I reached my third year, I managed to get quite a few firsts, which I was chuffed about.

004. Do necessary reading & preparation for all future seminars – failed, 25.02.10.  Not much to say here – I suffered a lot with my depression during my second and third years, and doing seminar reading was often a struggle.  A noble task to set myself, but ultimately overreaching.

005. Graduate with a BA (Hons) in Theology – completed, 13.07.11.  Hurrah!

Job/Career

006. Make an appointment with the Centre for Career Development – completed, 13.03.10.  The Centre for Career Development is an office on UoN campus where students can discuss their career options with career advisors.  I went there twice, and found both visits incredibly depressing.  When I first attended, I was thinking of going into journalism (how predictable!), and wanted some advice on what I could do while I was still at university that would pad out my CV and stand me in better stead for finding paid writing work after graduation.  The advisor was kindly, but told me in no uncertain terms that journalism was a very competitive industry with a large number of applicants for only small amount of jobs, and that I would need to do a lot of unpaid internships before I would even be considered for an entry-level job in the industry.  How depressing.  Not only would I struggle with money if I wasn’t getting paid to work, but how could I compete with the ‘Impact‘ editors and the Comment Is Free writers when I had barely any work published?  I gave up on that dream, reluctantly at first, but now the more I think about it, the more I realise that I’m just not good enough or passionate enough to really succeed in journalism.  At my second visit to the Centre, I was now considering working in the third sector.  This was just as unrealistic, she told me – most humanities graduates are interested in this field, and it’s become so competitive that you need an MA to be considered for any work in the third sector.  Again, how could I compete with the MA students with experience as rep officers and exec officers, or who’d volunteered extensively at charities and refuges in the past (something I couldn’t afford to do – when I’m not at university, I have to do paid work, or I have no money)?  Subsequent visits to career centres and job agencies in Wales have been just as fruitless.  I’m currently trying to work out what I want to do with my life, but at least after a year of full-time work, money isn’t so much of a barrier anymore.

007. Write a better CV – completed, 01.04.10.

008. Get a decent job (not a career yet) – completed, 02.11.11.  I currently work in NHS admin, and I’m pretty content there at the moment.

Travel [failed]

009. Visit a Scandinavian country

010. Visit America

011. Visit Stonehenge

012. Visit Disneyland Paris

013. Visit Canada

014. Go camping

015. Buy postcards from each place visited

Ok, so this whole section was a complete pile of fail.  With retrospect, choosing 4 different countries to visit in only 2.75 years was hugely overambitious, especially considering how broke I was throughout my degree.  I am disappointed that I didn’t go camping though.  Maybe this year!

Altruism

016. Leave an inspirational note in a book for someone else to find – completed, 02.12.10.  Blogged.

017. Get involved in a Women’s Network campaign – failed.  The Women’s Network ended up not running any campaigns during my time there, which is such a shame.

018. Do ten tasks from 365 Ways to Change the World - completed, 24.06.12.  Blogged.

019. Do the London Moonwalk – failed.

020. Do a Race for Life – failed.  I feel guilty about not doing these fundraisers.  I hope to do them at some point in the near future though.

021. Give blood at least twice a year – failed.  I struggled with lethargy so much at uni that I didn’t want to give blood in case it made me feel worse.  That’s kind of a shitty excuse though.  I’ll make an effort to donate blood in the next month or so.

022. Buy a Big Issue – failed.  I feel guilty about this one too; I should probably make an effort to buy more than one every 3 years.

023. Give 50p to charity for every goal I don’t achieve at the end of the 1001 Days - completed.  My total was £24; I donated the money to the Swansea Women’s Centre, a local women’s charity/refuge.

Learning

024. Go to five different museums/galleries – failed.  I visited The National Gallery in London a few times on my numerous visits to London, and I visited the Nottingham Castle Museum and Art Gallery, but nowhere else.  I don’t make enough time for museums and galleries.

025. Learn how to use Photoshop properly - completed, 01.09.10.  I’m so pleased that I completed this challenge, because my Photoshop skills have been so useful in creating posters/publicity for both the Women’s Network and the Swansea Feminist Network.  

026. Learn how to speak basic French – failed.  I took a part-time French class in September, but ended up getting a job soon after that meant I was unable to attend the classes anymore.  This has been an ambition of mine since I was about 12, and I intend to complete it eventually!

027. Read the entire Bible – failed.  TL; DR.  What a shit theologian I was.

028. Learn enough about feminism to discuss it confidently with my mum – failed.  This was my poor attempt at making a difficult challenge (be more knowledgeable about feminism) more achievable by framing it as a concrete goal.  I don’t think I’ll ever be confident enough about anything to discuss it with my mum, a lovely lady but notoriously argumentative and contrary!

Communication

029. Keep in touch with grandparents when at university – completed.

030. Write to 5 zinesters whose zines inspire me – completed.

031. Make an effort in society socials in the future – completed.  So as you probably know, I struggled to make friends at university.  For a while, I thought it was because I hadn’t tried hard enough, or because I wasn’t interesting/fun/exciting enough to be worth spending time with.  So I set myself this challenge, and hoped that things would improve.  I tried really hard for the rest of my degree to attend socials, even though I always had to go alone.  This was documented extensively in HIMH #10, so I won’t relay the story here – in short, it was difficult, and I didn’t end up making any friends, apart from at the Women’s Network (but at least I can say I tried).    Having spoken to some graduates since, I realised that I had actually made a remarkable effort to overcome my shyness/anxiety by attending these socials alone – I was told that most people didn’t bother with socials after the first month or so, and tended to stay in a clique with their housemates or course friends.  So I try to feel quite proud of myself for the effort I made, even if it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped.

032. Keep in regular contact with current friends – failed.  Not much to say here.  Some friendships I desperately tried to maintain but the other party didn’t seem interested (or perhaps was too busy?), and some fell away quite naturally.

Creativity

033. Make an item of clothing – failed.  When I first started the Day Zero Project, I wanted to learn how to knit and sew and alter clothes, and be more self-sufficient.  This became less and less of a priority/goal in my life as time went on, and I’m ok with that.  Maybe when I’m older I’ll want to give it a go again.

034. Learn how to knit – failed.  See above.

035. Grow flowers in my garden – completed, 21.03.10.  Blogged.  Alas, I am not green-fingered, and they died soon after.  At least I tried.  I’m not as much of an earth mother as I’d like to be; if society collapses and we’re forced to live off the land again, I’m fucked.

036. Make 2 zines a year – completed.  Check out the ‘zines’ tag on my blog to find out details of all the zines published in the last 2.75 years!

037. Make and send a secret to PostSecret – completed, 04.06.11.  And it was published on the main PostSecret website a few weeks later!  :)

038. Make an altered book – failed.  Despite my best intentions, I just didn’t make time for this.

Music

039. Practice bass at least 4 times a week – failed, 21.03.10.  I was always too scared to practice when there were other people in the house in case they heard me  I’m over this now, thankfully!

040. Practice piano at least 4 times a week – failed, 25.03.10.  See above.

041. Sing whenever the house is empty – failed, winter 2010.  See above.

042. Write at least ten new (decent) songs – failed.  Not sure if I should be disappointed with this or not.  Ten songs in 2.75 years isn’t ridiculously over-reaching, but then again, I have tens and tens of songs written since I released my EP, so why should I worry about adding to that pile when I’m happy with what I’ve got?

043. Record a new EP or album once a year – failed.  Waaaaay too ambitious – I’ve actually only ended up recording 1 EP ever!

044. Play a gig  - completed, 07.12.10.  Blogged.

Organising

045. Make a university scrapbook – completed.  I love collecting ephemera, and uni provided a wealth of it for scrapbooking!

046. Print off all my online journals and file them - completed, 10.06.11.  Because I would hate to lose them in the ether of the interwebs, even if they are mostly just angsty LJ entries.

048. Start my “ideal home” scrapbook – completed, 16.08.10.  I got this idea from a novel.  If I ever see photos of rooms or things for the house that I like, I cut them out and keep them in a scrapbook so I won’t be short on inspiration when I come to moving into my own place!

049. Organise diaries/notebooks and put them away in a box – completed, 10.06.11.

My diaries, before they were boxed up.

Part 2 to follow soon!

This Christmas I made an effort to create a lot of handmade gifts for friends and family – partly because everyone loves the personal touch of a lovingly homemade gift, and partly because I’m sort of skint, ha.  These would all make great Valentine’s gifts, as they’re cheap, relatively easy, and romantic!

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The first one I’d like to recommend is the classic 52 Things I Love About You deck of cards (type that phrase into google or tumblr and you’ll get pages and pages of examples).

You take a standard deck of cards, and write down something you love about your partner onto each card.  What’s great about this gift is that it can be as simple or as complex as you want – you can write the reasons straight onto the cards, or decorate the cards with stickers, paint, craft supplies, whatever you want!

For some, I drew/wrote directly onto the cards – this works well for the hearts especially.  NB: if you’re using coated cards (and most are), paint a thin layer of gesso or modge podge onto them first, otherwise the ink will slide/rub off the card.

“#14 – You play the guitar!”, “#52 – You’re always there when I need someone”

“#27 – Your taste in music”, “#41 – You keep me well-fed with tea and toast”

The royals are fun to alter too:

“#4 – You understand my silly playful side!”, “#33 – You treat me like a Queen”

Some cards were completely covered with collage-inspired art, or pretty backgrounds I cut out from magazines and newspapers:

“#18 – our mutual love for Rush!”, “#24 – Your left-leaning politics”

My partner loved this gift; I highly recommend giving it a go!

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I also enjoy making my loved ones mix CDs.  Mix CDs make lovely gifts for people who enjoy listening to music and discovering new artists, but perhaps don’t always have the time to explore new music.  Plus, they don’t require a great deal of artistic talent to make.

My Dad has a very tiring, stressful job, so I made him a CD full of relaxing, peaceful songs to listen to on the way home from work.  My Mum’s was a basic here-are-some-songs-I-like-that-I-think-you-will-like-too mix CD for her to listen to on her commute:

With both my parents’ mix CDs, I didn’t bother with anything other than disc artwork and a list of the songs on the back, as I knew they wouldn’t have the time to read a booklet full of info on their way to and from work.

My partner’s mix CD was a little more in-depth; the theme was ‘my favourite musicians’, and I included booklet with the CD detailing why I chose each song and why I loved that particular band/artist.

I hand-drew a simple cover (a drawing I found online which I copied by hand), as the detail was all in the booklet.

I made another mix CD for him, subtitled ‘Music to Listen To Through Headphones’.  I chose a short list of songs that I love listening to, and made a booklet full of artwork to accompany each song, for the listener to read along with while listening to the CD.

Some songs which were chosen for their beautiful instrumentation were accompanied by text explaining what I liked about the song:

And songs that are just nice to listen to came with artwork that looked like this:

quote by Miranda July

It took a little while to put together, but the process was fun and rewarding, and it made for a very personal and interesting gift.  Again, this sort of thing can be as simple or as complex as you’d like!

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And finally, I made a friend Eleri a memory jar, an idea I nabbed from tumblr - you write down all the good things that happen to you on little pieces of paper, and fill the jar; at the end of the year, read all the good things that happened to you that year!  Just find a pretty jar and some ribbon to tie around the lid, and you’re all done

memory jar