Halloween, & finally getting a job!

This Halloween was awesome!  On the weekend I went to a fancy dress party at a friend’s house, got a bit drunk, and had a lovely evening.  I spent the previous week on holiday, so had to prepare a costume at the very last minute with whatever I had lying around the house.  I ended up going as Leela from Futurama – I didn’t bother taking any full-body photos of my costume because it was so monumentally shit.  At least everyone recognised who I was!

Then on Monday, I was offered a job!  I’m now working as a receptionist; the hours are ideal, and the people there are lovely.  I was very nervous and shy on my first day today, but other than that it went really well.  So I’m over the moon right now!  However, I have had to dye my hair, mostly in order to appear more professional and less young (everyone always tells me that I look like a rebellious teenager with my purple hair and piercings; it doesn’t help that I have a young-looking face anyway), but also because I’m more than a little bored of the hair by now.  I could muster up the enthusiasm by dying it magenta or something, but I think the time has come to go back to a normal colour.  It’ll be nice to have a break I suppose, and if I ever become a full-time musician, I’ll dye it again.

Farewell, purple hair. We had some good times.

So yes, I’m now employed, and no longer have to sign on!  Being an unemployed graduate was a miserable experience, and I have so much sympathy for those unfortunate enough to still be looking for work.  My self-esteem has been slipping over the past few months as I put so much effort into each job application, each one ending in a rejection… but I’ll write about that subject in depth in Here. In My Head. #11.

Both the party and the job offer came at an ideal time – winter always brings out my sociable side.  Now that the clocks have turned back and the weather has taken a turn for the worse, the nights are longer and darker, and I really crave company to fill those long nights – parties, sleepovers, cwtching up with a hot chocolate and a film, etc.  I tend to get SAD during the winter months – I think the end of the year reminds me of dying, the way the environment decays and falls away, the fact that every year builds up towards December, only to begin the same monotonous cycle all over again in January…  That sounds very melodramatic when written down.  This is coming out all wrong.  All I know is that when winter comes around, I start thinking about my death, and what will happen to my soul, and the fear of the unknown takes over me.  Thankfully, in the past twelve months or so my mental health has improved greatly, and this year I want to avoid SAD completely if I can.  The more time I spend with good company, the less I dwell on the morbid thoughts that float through my head at this time of year.  I’ve managed to fit lots of things into  the next two months to keep myself busy and happy, including visiting my good friend Rose in Nottingham, performing at the Swansea Feminist Network fundraiser, Reclaim the Night London, Reclaim the Night Cardiff, and the new SFN radical feminist reading group.  I’m also going to try and do a few tasks from “365 Ways to Change the World“.  I’m looking forward to keeping myself busy and having lots of fun despite the miserable season.  Plus, Christmas is on its way, and nothing cheers me up more than an excuse to stuff my face and buy presents for people.

Music News: I’ve become a columnist for feminist music blog The Girls Are! I’m writing a fortnightly column about being a female musician breaking into the local music scene.  My first column is going live sometime in the next week.  Keep your eyes open for it!

Zine News: Spill the Zines is still ticking away nicely, though I’m having trouble getting people interested in writing for us.  I can handle the workload of editing the blog now, but I’m worried that it’ll slip by the wayside now that I’m working.
Also, Pandora Press #2 is on its way to the printers!  Here’s the cover I designed for the zine.  I’m not 100% happy with it, but it’s okay.

Pandora Press #2

Other News: I’ve uploaded my graphic design portfolio to Facebook.  I find myself designing posters and zine stuff for the Swansea Feminist Network a lot recently, so I thought it’d be nice to gather them all in one place, and possibly offer my services to others for a small price.  Take a look.

The Life Audit.

Hello again!  Sorry I haven’t blogged for ages, I’ve been really busy.

(That’s not me trying to subtly hint that I have some sort of exciting life, by the way. By ‘busy’ I mean writing essays, dealing with household bills, handing in keys, that sort of thing.)

I handed in my dissertation last week.  I have officially finished my degree.  :)

God, I look tired. I was incredibly tired.

The last few days of my degree were spent saying goodbyes to my few good friends at Nottingham, catching up on my sleep, and crying with relief and pride that I actually made it to the end (and for the last year, really enjoyed it all).  The last two weeks were incredibly hectic – I barely had time to sleep and shower, and by the end of it all I could feel my mental capabilities deteriorating by the hour.  I’m pretty worried about the dissertation and what they’ll think of what I wrote, but I’m trying to push that to the back of my mind.  It has been submitted now, so there’s nothing I can do.  I’ll miss Nottingham – the academic life, although tiring, was very rewarding.  I also made some great friends towards the end that I’ll truly miss.  I have plans to make an epic university-themed zine over the summer where I’ll go into these things in more detail, complete with university ephemera and mementos.

Looking awkward as my mum takes photos of my Nottingham abode.

A surprisingly high-quality picture of the Trent building taken by my iPhone!

I’m currently at home in Wales, for good!  I’ve spent the last few days spending time with my family, catching up on my sleep, eating proper food again (I lived on coffee and crisps for the last few days of uni), unpacking my uni stuff into my little room at home, cuddling my dog, and taking long baths.  It’s been so lovely.  But I’m back on my feet again, ready to get busy!  This has led me to consider that direction I take my life in for the next few years.  I’m no longer tied down to anything (well, aside from my financial restrictions), so the world is my oyster.

To suit my systematic brain, here is the list I came up with:

1. Zines
Find/create another comp-zine to edit.  Continue writing Here. In My Head. Hopefully publish more frequently now that I have the time.  Contribute to more comp-zines – being an editor for 2 years, I now fully appreciate just how difficult it is to motivate people to submit things for publication. Read and trade more zines.  Get a PO Box.  Keep Spill the Zines up and running efficiently. Write more zine reviews.

2. Music
Sort out my piano-playing… possibly get lessons.  Join a band as a bassist (I need to get some confidence back, and playing bass seems like it would be fun, without the pressure of performing solo).  Gig my solo stuff, when I’m feeling more confident. Write more songs.  Finish recording the album.  Check out the Swansea music scene.

3. Feminism
I’ve joined the Swansea Feminist Network, and intend to get massively involved with its conception and development.  Also, contribute to more feminist blogs and zines.  Contribute to The F Word.  Read more feminist books.  Attend more protests and events.

4. Misc.
Go camping. Visit Stonehenge. Do a Race for Life. Learn how to knit.  Learn how to use my sewing machine.  Make a PostSecret. Try lobster.  Fly a kite.  Give up Facebook for a fortnight.  Make a vlog.  Start taking self-defence lessons. Try yoga.

By the way, can I take a quick poll here – what do you guys like reading about on my blog?

Thoughts, suggestions?  I feel somewhat at a loose end now, and although I intend to look for a job, I want to keep myself busy in the meantime.

—

Music & Zine Update: I am officially off hiatus, so feel free to get in touch about buying and trading!

Day Zero Update: lots of the university/Women’s Network things have been crossed off the list, including “068. Continue going to Feministy events with the Women’s Network“.  Unfortunately, I failed one – “017. Get involved in a Women’s Network campaign“, as the Women’s Network didn’t put on any campaigns during the 1001 days.  Oh well.

Nearly a graduate… *sob*

This is me.

I’ll be moving back to Wales for good in May, where I have to leave my theology behind, be a proper adult and find a job. *sob*  I’m feeling really sad about growing up and leaving university, for a number of reasons.  First, I really love my academic work.  I spent the first two years of my degree hating theology and wishing I’d chosen something else, but when I got to third year, everything fell into place.  I think it was a combination of my depression beginning to clear, feeling less like an academic imposter who’d made her way into university by some fluke, and interesting modules being offered (or should I say, modules being offered that were to my interest).  I’ll be so sad to leave it all behind. Look at what I’ve been reading recently for an essay:

Alien Sex - Gerard Loughlin

Such a good book – and Barbarella is on the front cover! (Ok, I know Barbarella is a problematic character from a feminist point of view, but still… she appeals to my inner gay sci-fi geek) There’s a cracking analysis of the Alien films inside there too.  <3

Second, I feel as if I’ve only made an effort to be sociable in my third year, when it started to come to an end.  Obviously I was full of enthusiasm in the first few weeks of university, but when it became apparent that university was actually quite difficult and I was still the same awkward shy girl from school, I just retreated into myself and gave up.  The depression was the main cause of that, sure, which is why I’m feeling more sociable now that I’m almost in the clear.  Still, it’s very disheartening to think that I don’t have much to show for those first two years of university.  Last night I went out for drinks and Wagamama with some of my classmates and our lecturer, and it just broke my heart to think that I’ll never get to sit by these people and chat to them again; that the next time I will see them will be graduation day, if I see them again at all. (Last night was lovely, but also very difficult… I was very annoyed at myself for being so damn shy and awkward though. Ugh.)

Third, I’m terrified of being an adult and being forced to enter the real world.  I can fill my days quite easily reading, writing, and doing crafty things.  I dread to think what my life will be like when I’m working 5 days a week, with no energy left in the evenings to do anything other than veg out in front of the TV.

Of course, there are lots of things about university life that I’ll be glad to leave behind – the awkward seminars, co-habiting with other students, constantly feeling mentally exhausted due to writing so many essays, and being broke.

I don’t really feel like a theology graduate… I still feel like I’ve cheated my way to the end of the degree by taking lots of disparate modules that don’t fit together, and not really learning what I’m “supposed” to learn as a theology student.  But then, a lot of theology students have said the same thing when I’ve spoken to them about it, so maybe I’m just expecting too much of myself.

There are 6 weeks and 13,000 words between me and my degree at the moment.  Once I’ve made some headway with the essays and dissertation, I’m going to start blogging properly, promise.  At the moment, my blog is just a messy way of documenting my life, but I’m going to start writing more, because I’m going to start doing more.

As for what comes next, I’m still unsure.  To be honest, I’d quite like to spend a few months building myself up, emotionally and physically, by catching up on my reading, taking up some sort of sport, writing more zines, finish recording my album (that project is currently on hiatus due to my partner, the guy in charge of recording this, not having any time at the moment… SO frustrating), play some gigs, and trying to find friends in my hometown.  I’m quite keen to throw myself into my music for a few months and seeing where that takes me, even though it’s not really a viable career choice or anything… I know I should be doing something more practical with my time, but meh, life’s too short for such dull things.  Caitlin Gwynn and I are looking into setting up a feminist group in Swansea so we can meet some kick-ass women at home and do some campaigning – that’s going to start coming together over the summer, so if there are any Swansea feminists reading this who want to get involved in setting this up, do get in touch!

Spill the Zines is still going strong, and we’re getting lots of visitors every week.  I posted my first zine review post there yesterday. However, there doesn’t seem to be a great deal of news to report… either that, or people aren’t getting in touch with us enough.  Please keep emailing us your zine-related news at spillthezinesukATgmailDOTcom!

Life Update: I bought a typewriter on eBay for £2.99 a few days ago!  What an amazing find!  I’m currently in the process of restoring her so I can start writing with her.  Photos to come soon.

Zine Update: My split-zine with Tukru is now being stocked at Amber’s distro, Fight Boredom, and at Marching Stars distro!

Day Zero Update: Watched more films, did more stuff. Take a look here.

February Crafty Endeavours

Helloooo!  Things are good at the moment.  I’ve just had my results back for last semester, and I’m delighted with how well I’ve done, considering I was a complete mess for the first 2 weeks of January with stress!  I’ve just started my new modules, all of which are going well so far, and I’m writing my dissertation.  Very scary, but I’m feeling better about my abilities than ever before.  I’m trying to keep on top of everything, and get things done early so I don’t get too stressed out at a later date, which might mean less time for crafty things and blog updates… it’s regrettable, but it’ll be worth it in the end.

I’m now considering doing a Gender Studies MA instead of a PGCE, as lots of people have told me that teaching is a pretty tough route to go down unless you’re 100% committed and passionate about it… for the first time ever, I’m feeling relatively confident in my academic capabilities (not first-class confident, but 68% confident, which is also good), so maybe I could become an academic…?

Anyway, enough rambling.  I’ve got lots of crafty bits and pieces coming along nicely, most of which will hopefully come to light in the next month or so!  Keep your eyes peeled.

The new issue of Artemis is now available to view online at http://issuu.com/artemiszine, or pick up at upcoming Women’s Network events.  We’re trying to get a stand in the Portland building where we can let people pick up free copies, but there’s a lot of red tape to battle through.  Pffft.

 

Crafty endeavours this month include:

1. Here. In My Head. #7 / Your Pretty Face is Going Straight to Hell! #14
Yes, my next zine will be a split with Tukru!  SO excited about this; it’ll be out before the end of February!

2. Twt #3: Things I Dislike
Another free mini-zine.  Always fun to make (plus there’s something quite cathartic about voicing your frustrations/dislikes in a funny silly way, don’t you think?).

3. Writing new songs
I’ve got a bad habit of leaving songs unfinished before moving on to writing the next one.  This has happened again over the past few months, so one afternoon I went through my songbook, and planned out all the unfinished songs and fragments I had.  Turns out I have sixteen songs on half – and four finished – that are shaping up to be really great songs.  So technically, I could have finished writing my second album by the summer, which is so exciting.  I’ve had writers’ block for such a long time – I think I only wrote three proper songs in my first and second years of university.  When I hit my third year, I finally got my act together and started finishing songs, working on lyric and music drafts that had been floating around for years, and writing entirely new pieces.  It feels really good, to get back into it all.  Of course, I won’t be able to record my second album for at least another year, which sucks, but there ya go.

4. Secret project with Hannah (Not Lonely zine)
All will be revealed soon.

5. 101 Things in 1001 Days
Watched lots of awesome films in January (including Black Swan – soooo good!), and completed one or two other challenges too.

 

In other news, I’ve cut my hair a lot shorter and dyed the light bits red.  I don’t know if I like it.

I’m tempted to bleach the lot and go back to blue/turquoise.  I miss having hair this colour:

But that won’t be a wise decision if I’m planning to attend job interviews this year!  I hate being an adult.

Becoming an adult and other boring things.

Last week was tough.  I had to write a 6000 word essay on quantum theory and divine action, as well as revise for my feminist philosophy exam.  Leaving all my work until the week before it was due was not the best decision I’ve ever made.  But it’s all finished now, so seeing as my lectures don’t start until next week, I’ve decided to come home for a little while to sponge off my parents a little longer!  I’ve got some dissertation reading to do, and am writing bits and pieces for my next zine.  Things are good.  I feel good.

And now the reality of adulthood is beginning to creep in.  I finish university forever in four months!  I’ll be moving back home to Wales in the summer, where I will officially be a fully-qualified adult.  I considered living with Hank after graduation, but our lives are so hectic and unstable that it wouldn’t be wise to try to rent a flat together and struggle to pay rent/bills as well. Living at home with my parents is a bit of a step backwards, but at least I know they’ll only charge a little rent, and only when I’m working full-time, so it makes sense financially.

I’m considering training to become a teacher when I graduate.  I’m stuck in that awkward situation of having a fairly good degree, but not enough extra-curricular experience to set me apart from the hundreds of thousands other applicants who will be chasing the really good well-paid jobs.  There are lots of things I’ve considered doing which I’d enjoy, such as becoming a journalist or a piano teacher, but they’re all fairly low-paid work.  I think that coming from a working-class background and getting launched into a middle-class university has made me feel as if I deserve a bit of money for myself for the first time in my life.  And all things considered, teaching seems like a good option for me, even if it is a bit of a cop-out (those who can’t, teach – right?).  I could moan about this for days, but I’ll end it here.  I don’t know, I suppose I can still keep doing my music and zine stuff alongsaide a normal job… I mean, the musician Peaches was a teacher before she began recording!

Anyway, onto nicer news.  Artemis is coming along really well – at the moment I’ve finished putting it together, and it’ll be taken to the print shop tomorrow hopefully.  Here is the front cover, designed by yours truly – we’re getting the cover printed in full colour too, exciting stuff!

Zine Update: Here. In My Head. #7 is going to be a split-zine with Your Pretty Face Is Going Straight To Hell! #14, written by Tukru!  I’m so excited to be working with her, I’ve always admired her work.  It’ll be released in time for Brighton Zine Fest (19th & 20th February).

101 Things Update: I watched a few films over Christmas that were in the IMDB Top 250 – some I loved, some I didn’t.  I also got my engagement ring re-plated.  The updated list can be found here.

Other: I’m deleting my Formspring account in a few days – I keep getting loads of spam/abusive questions, and the number of genuinely interesting/entertaining questions are outnumbered by spam 10 to 1.  So I’m keeping it open for the next week for you guys to get your last anonymous questions in.  Ask me anything, and if it’s not abusive or irrelevant, I’ll try my best to answer!  http://www.formspring.me/catherineelms